Day 11.5

Nov 11: Gen 42-43
Sin is such a draining and consuming thing. We either get so mesmerized by sin that we don't even know what we're doing, or we feel so guilty about sins we repeatedly do that we forget about God's grace. All of Joseph's brothers are consumed by their sin of selling him as a slave, even almost 20 years after the incident. They are forced to go to Egypt during the famine where they encounter Joseph but do not recognize him. Joseph does. He treats them harshly at first and starts accusing them of being spies and eventually tells them to go back home and bring back Benjamin, their youngest brother, to prove that they're not lying. He keeps one of the brothers as a prisoner to make sure they do this. During this span, Joseph's brothers are freaked out. They almost acknowledge the fact that all this is happening because of what they did to Joseph, and even Jacob their father brings it up when they tell him what happened:

"Surely we are being punished because of our brother"
"That's why this distress has come upon us"
"Didn't I tell you not to sin against the boy?"
Jacob: "You have deprived me of my children. Joseph is no more and Simeon is no more and now you want to take Benjamin"

Talk about a lingering effect that the one sin has caused this family. Even though it could have taken 20 years, it seems that the brothers are genuinely sad and hurt that they could have done such a thing to their younger brother.
I've had problems with guilt before and I still do. I find myself asking for forgiveness from God, but at the same time ask him, why should you forgive me for something I repeatedly do? The guilt overwhelms me to the point where I don't even want to ask for forgiveness b/c I feel like such a failure. But I've slowly learned that I need to let go of this prideful behavior. I'm almost insulting God by doing this. I need to seek out his forgiveness with a genuine heart, I need to seek out his guidance on how to prevent the sin, and then leave it all to him to show me his amazing grace which covers all our sins big or small.