Day 80

Jan 19: 1 Samuel 28-31
In the past, when I lost sight of God in my life, I noticed that I became someone different, not who God intended me to be. I began to lie, to fall into my insecurities, and to an extent disown who I really was. I put up a tough exterior to mask my inadequacies and put up a thick wall to guard myself. That's the kind of impact the absence of God had on my life.
King Saul, in chapter 28 makes me think of this. He goes through something very similar from what I had experienced. The Philistine army assembled to confront Israel and when Saul saw this, he became afraid and terror filled his heart. He tried to inquire of God, but God didn't answer him at that time. So his next reaction was to seek out a woman who was a medium, almost like a gypsy or witch type person. He disguised himself and asked her to consult spirits for him because he was so afraid of what was going to happen to him. It's almost sad to see how desperate a once great man had become. The absence of God in his life put him into a neurotic frenzy and he went to the length of disguising himself and summoning witches to weather his fears. Later, Saul ended up killing himself after being injured during war, not being able to stomach the fact that the Philistines could kill him.
This could sound like a depressing or discouraging story and it is for Saul, but I think God is paving us a path to understanding his grace through it. The most important part of this story to me is that the bible never says that Saul asked for forgiveness for all his past sins. When he finally comes before God, it's for his own selfish agenda, and God in turn ignores him. We can be different from Saul at this point in our own lives. Instead of looking for other ways to fill our voids or to feel accepted, we must come before God with a repentant heart and He will listen, comfort and purify us and we will be able to see his amazing grace then. God shows us that the other path, the one lacking Him, isn't so great in the end.